i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
