Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
