So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
How external is "for external use only"?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
