Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think my fart just growled at me.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
