wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
