how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
