he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
