Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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