guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
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