the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize