my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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