We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
