what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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