Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
