dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
