I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize