The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
