I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
sarcasm needs its own font
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
