you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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