And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize