Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
