I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
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