I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
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