You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
