I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
