I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I don't think brook has ever known best
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
