she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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