my sisters under your porch take her home
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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