you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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