I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Four minutes until I can fart!
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I don't deserve a penis
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
