DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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