You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
you told grandpa to call you daddy
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
