just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
