i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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