I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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