God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Randomize
