i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
