Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
