she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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