Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
not ubering you a puppy
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
