i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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