So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
