You made me cry and you don't even care
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
