I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
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