People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
