Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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