so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Randomize
