I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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