i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
