I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
