She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
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