theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
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