she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
