Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize