Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
someone owes me an orgasm
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
