I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
