The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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