you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
