Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize