Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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