She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
