Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
