if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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