I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
