I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
