Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Randomize
