He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
