i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
