Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
