cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
