my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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