At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
