He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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