I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
